


I Should Have Said

by Lostinfantasies38



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Bisexual Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Bisexual Evan Hansen, Explicit Language, Friends to Lovers, Good Sibling Zoe Murphy, Graduate School, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Is anyone surprised there are literary elements in this?, M/M, Mutual Pining, No? I didn't think so, Poetry, References to Depression, Separation Anxiety, Social Anxiety, it's my brand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:28:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28000149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostinfantasies38/pseuds/Lostinfantasies38
Summary: 5 times Evan wanted to tell Connor how he feels and the 1 time he did."They werefriends.Which was exactly why Evan couldn’t afford for his heart to feel as though it might burst out of his chest every time he looked at the man.But this morning Connor leaned casually against the counter, sipping his too sweet coffee with an appreciative hum, smiling at Evan over the rim. He stared at the vision of Connor wreathed in sunlight, turning his mass of curls into a halo of burnished mahogany, casting a warm lustre over his pale features.For the love of... it wasn’t fair. Evan was hopelessly bi, and he didn’t think his disaster heart could take it. The audacity of the man to be so breathtakingly beautiful, enshrined in a golden aura like a Greek god."Completely self-indulgent. If you love poetry, humor, and mutually pining soft idiots then this story is for you.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**1**

The shuffle of socked feet pried Evan’s eyes from his phone, the grip on his spoon unconsciously tightening as Connor entered the kitchen. Effortlessly handsome in plaid pajama pants and a worn gray tee with impossibly mussed hair, he smothered a small yawn behind his hand, crinkling the corners of his eyes.

“Mornin,” Connor rumbled, voice still gruff with sleep as he padded to the coffeepot and poured a cup.

“Good morning,” Evan softly replied.

He bit back a grin when his roommate dumped half a sugar bowl and a generous dollop of creamer in the mug. A sign that the day would hopefully be a good one. Connor only desecrated his sacred coffee with obscene levels of sweetener when he woke up happy. Bad days always started with coffee so dark and bitter Evan swore it ulcerated his stomach.

“Just like my soul,” Connor liked to joke with a mocking salute, snorting at Evan’s exaggerated shudder.

A deep thinker with little patience for fools, Connor’s brusqueness came across to many as abrasive. Yet, it was a shield to hide his insecurity, bubbling over into impatience and sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Evan was familiar with the art of pushing others away before they could hurt you later. It thankfully hadn’t taken him long to prove to Connor when he moved in that he wasn’t like the rest of the world, that he understood his responses were born out of self-preservation, not malice.

It helped that their select group of friends consisted of the same people. Connor’s sister, Zoe, knew Evan from their time in the tutoring center helping undergrads pass their considerably easier classes. She was the one who suggested Evan as Connor’s roommate when his prior roomie moved upstate to pursue his Doctorate. Without Zoe, he wouldn’t have met Connor, though he’d probably never tell her how grateful he was for the introduction.

Jared Kleinman was Evan’s childhood friend, now working for an up and coming tech firm after graduating from MIT. After taking one look at Zoe during the first group dinner they invited him to he immediately fell head over heels, which pretty much guaranteed they’d never get rid of him. A fact Connor frequently lamented when the couple was absent.

There were others they associated with at work and on campus, but they didn’t intersect very often. Evan’s anxiety made him an anomaly in society, which was why he enjoyed research. Everyone in his field was as odd and nerdy as him, though they rarely spoke once they fell into the flow of lab work. Connor also preferred to keep to himself - isolating either at the public library or their apartment.

While they weren’t social butterflies, they weren’t lonely. Within a month of Evan moving in, they were best friends and spent all of their free time together. Evan convinced Connor to go hiking, teasing him about his fitness level while his friend defended his stamina around increasingly ragged breaths. In retaliation, Connor dragged Evan to one of those group painting classes, snickering whenever Evan groused as he struggled to make his painting look halfway decent. In the end, his sad excuse for a golden retriever resembled a malformed bulldog with mange compared to Connor’s happy, tongue-lolling companion.

“God, I understand why Andy Warhol painted soup cans now,” Evan remarked forlornly. Connor grasped his shoulder to keep his balance when he crowed with laughter, but the glorious sound of his unbridled amusement made Evan’s embarrassment worth it. Connor framed both pieces and hung them with pride in the living room, occasionally prompting a spontaneous giggle from one of them when they passed.

They were _friends_. Which was exactly why Evan couldn’t afford for his heart to feel as though it might burst out of his chest every time he looked at the man.

But this morning Connor leaned casually against the counter, sipping his too sweet coffee with an appreciative hum, smiling at Evan over the rim. He stared at the vision of Connor wreathed in sunlight, turning his mass of curls into a halo of burnished mahogany, casting a warm lustre over his pale features.

For the love of... it wasn’t fair. Evan was hopelessly bi, and he didn’t think his disaster heart could take it. The _audacity_ of the man to be so breathtakingly beautiful, enshrined in a golden aura like a Greek god.

Shoving a spoonful of soggy cereal in his mouth, Evan ducked his head to hide his blush and returned to the email from his professor announcing the research grant their department received. His team would finally have the money to purchase updated equipment and spend more time in the field to collect soil samples. Of course, that meant he’d have to renew his passport since his lab was collaborating with the University of Hamburg on soil carbon and nitrogen dynamics in the Rhine province in Germany.

Connor joined him at the bar with his coffee and a buttered English muffin. Quirking a quizzical brow to his phone, he said, “Interesting reading, I take it?”

“Mhm,” Evan mused as he finished reading. Setting it aside with a small smile, he glanced at his friend. “My department got the grant.”

“That’s awesome!” Connor exclaimed, clapping him on the back. “Congrats, man. I know how hard you guys worked to secure it. You’re one step closer to that Master’s degree.”

Raking a hand through his hair, Evan chuckled in disbelief. “My lifelong dream is coming true. It’s crazy to think I made it this far.”

Connor’s eyes glinted strangely in the early morning light, landing on the faint marks littering his flesh. Evan’s throat tightened, and he gripped his forearm firmly in solidarity.

 _“It's a single vowel in this metallic silence, a mouth that says O again and again in wonder and pain,”_ Evan murmured.

“ _A breath, a finger grip on a cliffside. You can hold on or let go,_ ” Connor finished, holding his gaze intently. Raising his mug with a half-hearted smirk, he quipped, “Here’s to us - the bastards who let go and survived.”

Snorting into his tepid tea, Evan tapped their drinks together. _I’ve never been more fucking grateful I didn’t die than right now._ For a moment he imagined the sentiment reflected in Connor’s fierce gaze, but he shook the thought aside and hopped off his barstool.

Dumping the leftover milk and his tea, he washed the dishes jerkily as his synapses misfired, uncomfortably aware of the prick of eyes boring into him. He could usually mask the cracks in his armor around outsiders, but never Connor. Wringing the dishtowel in his hands, Evan turned and found bottomless blue pinning him down, demanding he explain why he suddenly felt the need to crawl out of his skin.

“You should -” Evan’s voice cracked pathetically, and he grimaced, hurrying to clear his throat and start over. “You should start looking for a roommate.”

Connor froze and dread coiled in Evan’s stomach when his friend’s concern hardened into cold apathy. “Why? Am I so difficult to live with?”

“What? No! Ugh… fucking words -” He groaned in frustration, slapping the towel on the counter as words failed him. The display earned a chuckle from Connor, popping the tension in the room.

Shooting him a weak smile, Evan shook his head and gathered his thoughts. “No, you ass. I _meant_ you’ll need one when I leave for Germany. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I have enough in savings to cover my half of rent for a couple of months while you find someone, but I don’t expect you to keep my room when I’m not even in the country.”

Closing his eyes, Connor disappeared under his hair with a heavy sigh. “Of course. _Fuck_. I didn’t even think about that. I -”

After an unsettling pause, he huffed angrily and raised his head, disrupting Evan’s ability to breathe under the ferocious expression leveled at him.

“Fuck that. I have more than enough in savings, too. Keep your money so you have it for emergencies. Besides, I can always call my parents if I need help while you’re gone. You know they won’t mind.”

“Connor, you don’t have to -”

His features softened as he stood. “I _want_ to. You’re my best friend, Evan. That room is _yours_ until you say you don’t fucking want it anymore.”

“I might be away for six months or a year!”

Dropping his empty mug in the sink, Connor lightly ruffled his hair. “Yep, and it will still be here when you get back.”

Once the door to the bathroom clicked behind Connor, Evan sagged against the counter and pressed a hand over his racing heart. His traitorous brain replayed the touch of slender fingers along his scalp, the scent of coffee and yesterday’s cologne, and the fervent promise in dark eyes shining like stars lighting up the night.

He was utterly screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a deviation from my norm, but this idea wouldn't leave me the hell alone. So now it exists. I hope you like it! It's nearly complete and I will be adding chapters as I finish editing them. 
> 
>   
> [Variations On The Word Love](https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/variations-on-the-word-love/) by Margaret Atwood


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

The next few weeks were a blur of paperwork, passport pictures, and health checks involving more needles than Evan was comfortable with. Not to mention the dent expedited passport processing and excessive visits with medical professionals to clear him for international travel put on his wallet. Thank God for credit cards and payment plans. Flying overseas would be out of the question without them.

Today though, he was hidden from the outside world. Ensconced in the library's quiet, he helped Connor re-shelve returned books and collected the stacks decorating the study tables. Occasionally, they found a trashy romance or gag-inducing memoir from a sleazy politician in the far-flung corners of the building they couldn't help mocking.

“It’s like the people reading them knew they were horrendous,” Connor snickered. “Why else would they hide out like fugitives?”

Evan choked on the laughter threatening to disturb the peace. Connor’s eyes twinkled mischievously, and he punched him lightly in the arm, forcing the other man to smother his own wave of irreverent amusement. Evan’s heart skipped a beat with the suggestion of a dimple as his friend restrained a grin.

“Oh my God,” Evan hissed playfully. “You aren’t wrong, but damn. I’ll never look at people in the library the same way.”

Leveling him with a blank stare, Connor said, “I have _seen_ some things. Whoever said being a librarian was boring has never worked an evening shift.”

Eyes wide in surprise, Evan asked, “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Connor deadpanned, pushing the return cart toward the front desk. The possibility of the library being haunted pinged along the panicked pathways of Evan’s brain and sent him rushing to catch up to his friend despite the afternoon hour.

“So, wait. Do you mean, like paranormal shit or something else?”

Shooting him a smile, Connor said, “I haven’t seen any levitating books or possessed computers. Let’s just say, don’t check the bathrooms when the sun goes down. Wait for the building to close before going inside.”

Snorting loudly, Evan ducked into the small office behind the front desk and burst into a fit of giggles. Connor followed and shut the door to keep their combined laughter from carrying too far. Every time they made eye contact, it sent them into another round of hysterics.

Time with Connor inevitably ended up like this. Magically removing the boulder of anxiety from his chest, replacing it with gravity-defying glee until he felt loose enough to blow away with the slightest breeze. But if the breeze was the breath punched out of Connor’s lungs as they collapsed against each other in a heap of atoms vibrating to the frequency of their joy, then he would happily float on the current.

As their mirth finally subsided, Evan was keenly aware of every point of contact. His nerve endings buzzed under the warm touch of their thighs and press of their shoulders keeping them upright on the floor as they clutched their sides from muscle strain.

“Shit,” Connor wheezed. “I don’t know when I laughed so fucking hard.” The word choice had them tittering again among a medley of “ow, ow, ow,” and “sonofabitch, make it stop.”

Hiccuping slightly, Evan caught his breath and grinned broadly. “Lies and slander. We nearly keeled over last week at Jared’s, remember?” Connor smirked around a pained chuckle. “Sorry for laughing at your trauma, though,” Evan jibed.

Connor shuddered in revulsion. “I need fucking eye bleach to eradicate the memories.”

Exaggeratedly checking the room, Evan quipped, “Oops, fresh out. Looks like you have to live with them forever.”

“Goddamn it, Evan,” he teased. “You’re supposed to help a bro out.”

A knock on the door rang through their fresh giggles, announcing Alana’s arrival before she stuck her head inside. Evan was certain they looked ridiculous hunched on the ground with tears drying on their cheeks like a couple of boys instead of grown men, but she smiled fondly at the pair.

“Hey, guys,” she chirped. They simply nodded, knowing she wouldn’t give them time to respond. “There is a children’s book reading coming up, so I’ll be in the kid’s section for a little bit if you need me.”

“Okay, Lana. I’ll hold down the fort,” Connor said, flicking her a two-fingered salute.

“Great! Thanks, Connor. And Evan, I know you know how to check books in and out, but you aren’t obligated to since you don’t work here.”

Waving a hand dismissively, Evan replied. “I don’t mind helping, Alana. I have nothing better to do today and I enjoy being here. Thanks for letting me hang out.”

Alana bit back a smirk, and Connor’s cheeks pinked slightly. “Of course. You’re always welcome here.” Bobbing her head goodbye, she left as quickly as she came.

Sighing in resignation, they picked themselves off the floor and returned to the main desk. Settling in one of the office chairs, Evan spun in lazy circles, almost tumbling out on the next kick off with a squawk when Connor patted him on the shoulder.

“Sorry,” he murmured. “Open that middle drawer on your right, please. I think I have a hair tie in there.”

“Yeah, sure,” Evan replied. His blood pounded in his ears from the heat of Connor’s palm scorching through his shirt, burrowing in the marrow of his bones. Rummaging through the contents, he found the elastic and passed it to the man standing so close he barely needed to move at all for the exchange.

“Thanks,” Connor rumbled and Evan suppressed a shiver when their hands brushed.

Slipping it over his wrist, Connor raked his dexterous fingers through his hair, sweeping it back with practiced elegance. No matter how many times he observed this simple ritual, it always rendered him speechless. Evan’s breath hitched as his Adam’s apple became more prominent and the assorted cartilage piercings decorating his ears parched his throat, but it was the casual flick of Connor’s delicate wrist as he secured his curls in a perfect bun that unleashed a flurry of _want_ through Evan’s veins.

“So, how are you feeling about Germany?” Connor asked. He was either oblivious to Evan’s unhinged jaw or polite enough not to mention it.

Flushing in embarrassment, he turned away with a shrug. “I’m excited about the opportunity, but it’s a lot, y’know?”

“I get that,” Connor said as he reloaded the cart with the books returned during their walkthrough. “Do you have everything you need? All your papers in order, at least?”

Risking a peek at the other man, Evan smiled to smooth away the furrow between his friend’s brows. “Yes. I have a checklist. All I lack now is the passport which is due back in a couple of weeks.”

“Airfare?”

Evan chuckled. “Taken care of. We’ve purchased tickets for a month out to guarantee those on the team flying over have our documents in order. You might be more nervous about this than I am,” he teased. They both knew that wasn’t true, but it tugged Connor’s lips into a smirk, which was Evan’s desired reaction.

Pushing through the swinging door separating the desk from the wall, Connor wheeled the cart to the other side.

“Good… that’s good.”

Pausing, he tapped the wood in front of Evan with his black painted nails. Evan blinked at him expectantly, but Connor’s gaze was fixed elsewhere when he spoke.

“ _Your arms are water. And you are free with a ghastly freedom.”_

A vice like pressure wrapped around Evan’s neck, strangling his vocal cords as Connor walked away. Curling his hands into fists, he allowed the bite of his fingernails to ground him and slowly unwind the constrictive grip on his throat.

“ _You are the beautiful half of a golden hurt,_ ” Evan finally croaked, but Connor was out of earshot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [To Be In Love](http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/gwendolyn_brooks/poems/4139) by Gwendolyn Brooks


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

“Evan!”

Zoe’s excited trill greeted him when he entered the sprawling apartment. Her petite frame slammed into him, forcing a surprised gust of air from his lungs, but he recovered quickly, wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug.

Peeking over her thick waves to the crowd assembled in her living room, he murmured, “You didn’t have to go through all this trouble for me.”

Popping her head up indignantly, she lightly smacked his chest. “Shut up, yes I did! You are one of my very best friends and you’re leaving for an indeterminate amount of time. Do you have any idea how much I’m going to miss you?”

Her pouty lip quivered, and she buried her face in his shirt again, trembling as she restrained her tears to spare his shirt. Patting her awkwardly on the back, he shot a pleading look to Jared and Connor grinning wickedly at him over their drinks.

“Can’t help you, man,” Jared said. “Did you honestly not expect waterworks tonight?”

Connor instantly whirled on him. “Does that include you, Kleinman?”

“Psssh, you wish,” he snapped. “Not all of us had an emo phase in high school we never outgrew.”

Bristling with righteous indignation, Connor retorted, “Showing emotion does not make you less of a man. That’s toxic masculinity propaganda.”

Sighing against his chest, Zoe mumbled, “Come on, let’s get you a drink. Then we’ll make the rounds while these two idiots bicker.”

“You love them,” Evan said with a soft chuckle as he followed her into the kitchen.

“Yeah, I do,” she replied brightly. “They may be morons, but they’re _my_ morons.”

Grabbing a plastic cup, she asked, “The usual?” He nodded and she poured two-fingers worth of top-shelf brandy she reserved for her favorite people. Passing him the cup, they toasted each other and sipped. He hummed in appreciation, relishing the burn and the lingering sweetness dancing on his taste buds.

Crooking her elbow, he smiled as they linked arms and entered the living room to loud cheers. Blushing at the attention, Evan allowed Zoe to lead him from group to group, introducing him to new people who came as plus ones and bringing him up to speed with others he’d lost contact with during the rush for the trip. She worked the room like a pro, which he supposed as a well-to-do high-society girl raised to host such parties, she probably was.

After saying hello and chatting with everyone for a polite amount of time, Zoe escorted him back to the kitchen for a refill and freed him to mingle on his own. Brushing a chaste kiss to her cheek in gratitude, Evan attempted to step on the balcony, but Jared waylaid him.

Tugging him to a quiet part of the room, Jared cocked an eyebrow. “Did you do what I told you to?” Coughing uncomfortably, Evan dropped his gaze to his shoes and shook his head with a furious blush. “Damn it, why not?”

Running a finger under the lip of his cup, Evan mumbled, “I can’t come out and say it like you seem to think I can. It’s difficult for me.”

Groaning in irritation, Jared took a swig from his beer, eyes flashing irritably behind thick glasses. “Well, what the fuck are you going to do then? Nothing?”

“I don’t know,” Evan hissed, tensing as shame and sorrow welled in his chest, threatening to suffocate him in the overly warm space. He couldn’t handle being mocked by Jared for his failure when it meant the absolute devastation of his heart.

His eyes darted around, searching for an excuse to flee the conversation. They landed on Connor, who was already looking at him. Frowning in concern, he tilted his head ever so slightly in question.

_You okay?_

Relaxing instantly, Evan raised his drink with an imperceptible nod in reassurance, smiling softly when Connor tapped his wrist twice. A reminder to use their signal if either of them needed an escape. Tearing his eyes from the compassion warming Connor’s features, Evan returned his attention to Jared who pinned him with a stern expression.

“Unbelievable,” Jared muttered. “For fuck’s sake, Evan! You guys have your own goddamn code. I would know. I write it for a living and I can’t make heads or tails of your weird language.”

Shaking his head vehemently, he insisted, “We’re just friends. He’d never see me like that.”

“Friends do not look at each other the way you do.” Evan’s cheeks flamed. Shit. Had he been so obvious? “It’s not just you,” Jared scoffed. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you walk away.”

Evan’s pulse tripled with the information, fervently hoping Jared wasn’t merely placating him out of a misguided sense of guilt. Glancing across the room, he caught Connor mid-laugh. Relaxed and happy and free. That was the key, wasn’t it? He wasn’t tied down to anyone. He could move through the world at his leisure, deriving pleasure however he wanted. It would be selfish of Evan to put an end to it as he was about to leave.

Shrugging with affected nonchalance, Evan muttered, “Even if that’s true, I can’t do shit about it when I’m about to leave the country for God knows how long. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to give us a shot when it’s all going to be long-distance.”

Blowing out an exasperated breath, Jared asked, “You don’t think he’d be willing?”

Clenching his jaw, Evan counted to thirty before he could loosen it enough to respond. “He’s not celibate, Jared. I won’t demand exclusivity when I can’t be here,” he snapped bitterly.

Jared winced in sympathy. “Fuck, man. I don’t know what to say. You might’ve royally screwed yourself waiting so long to tell him how you feel.”

Staring into the amber liquid sloshing in his cup, he swallowed hard and stole another glance across the crowded room. Connor tucked an errant curl behind his ear, silver piercings winking in the lamplight as he shared a dimpled smile with Alana. A searing stab of regret pierced Evan’s heart, twisting violently as the other man melted into the crowd.

“Yeah, I know,” Evan agreed weakly. They stood in awkward silence for a while until Zoe borrowed Jared for host rounds. Evan took the moment of freedom to slip onto the balcony for fresh air before the cloying atmosphere smothered his will to live.

Stepping outside, he found Connor leaning on the wall with one leg propped on the brick, flicking his lighter mindlessly. The shifting shadows dancing across his face were strangely hypnotic, but Evan tore his gaze away before he discovered his obvious admiration. Scuffing his shoes along the cement to alert him of his presence, he smiled when Connor’s attention zeroed in on him.

“Hey,” Connor breathed a little nervously, setting his foot on the ground and straightening to his full height.

“Hi,” Evan whispered.

A flutter of butterflies erupted in his gut with their proximity on the small balcony. The sounds of the party, muted by the thick glass, created the illusion of a bubble shielding them from prying eyes and ears.

“Tomorrow’s the big day. You ready?” Connor asked.

Huffing quietly, Evan stared out over the nighttime skyline of the city he’d called home since he was eighteen, avoiding the probing stare of the man next to him.

“I’m packed if that’s what you mean.” Connor’s mouth clicked open, a smart retort loaded on his tongue, but Evan faced him with a wry quirk of his lips and he closed it soundlessly.

“No,” Evan admitted. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, honestly. Leaving everything, even if it is temporary, is terrifying.”

Blowing out an unsteady breath, Connor gripped the railing tightly and dropped his head. “I know. Did I ever tell you I spent my sophomore year of high school at a boarding school?” Evan frowned and shook his head in mild confusion while Connor peered unseeing at the neon lights drowning out the stars.

“I thought I would hate it, but I didn’t. It was good for me, actually, because no one had any preconceived notions about me. It was a clean slate. I could finally be myself. I did well there, academically and socially.”

Chuckling self-deprecatingly, he continued. “Of course, it was too good to last. School administrators heard about weed on campus and nearly busted my friend for it, but I took the fall so they wouldn’t lose out on a sweet education. The school invariably kicked me out. My parents sent me to rehab to sober up and spit me back into the public school system full of people who hated my guts until I graduated.”

Shuffling closer, Evan asked, “Why did you do it?” Connor’s knuckles blanched on the railing, and Evan barely checked the urge to link their fingers together to center him.

“Because I loved him.”

The deep voice he associated with warmth and comfort wavered slightly with the confession. Evan wasn’t sure if it was Connor’s tone or the words jangling disjointedly along his nerve endings that broke his heart.

Sighing heavily, Connor relaxed his grip. “I was young and stupid. For years, I used to lie awake in bed and replay that day over and over again. If I hadn’t taken the fall, how different would my life have been? Would I have tried so hard to die those last two years? Were my actions predetermined, no matter which route I took?” Shaking his head sadly, Connor faced him.

“I still don’t have the answers. I never will, but I do know I don’t regret that year, even though I cut it short with my actions. I wouldn’t trade that blip of happiness for anything in the world.” Connor paused as though bracing himself and said, “And neither should you, Evan.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, he realized the message of Connor’s story was not to reveal a secret boyfriend, but encouragement to pursue his passion and push beyond the fear of the unknown. If Connor once stared uncertainty in the face and thrived, then so could he.

Grateful for the shadows to mask his blush, Evan smiled shyly. “Wise words from you? Never thought I’d see the day,” he teased.

Huffing in faux indignation, Connor elbowed him gently. “Shut up, asshole, I’m serious. Don’t waste this opportunity. It’s fucking scary, but you will never regret taking a leap of faith.”

“I won’t waste it. I promise,” Evan swore. Lowering his voice, he said, “Thank you for telling me. I know sharing pieces of your past isn’t your favorite thing in the world, but you’re right. Well, about _most_ everything.”

Arching an imperious brow at him, Connor scoffed. “What did I get wrong in my own life story, pray tell?”

“You were young, but not stupid, Connor. Never that,” Evan insisted. “You’re fiercely loyal, which is an admirable trait in a society of fake people who don’t care about anyone except themselves. You protected someone you cared about. Yes, it changed the course of your life, but it made you who you are and helped shape your friend, too.”

Fiddling anxiously with the hem of his shirt under Connor’s dumbstruck gaze, Evan continued. “I’m sure your friend would thank you, if he could, for being such an amazing person. I hope he knows how lucky he was to be counted among the people that matter to you because it’s a privilege, not a right.”

Swallowing hard, Connor leaned in and whispered, “ _Enough of can you see me, can you hear me, enough I am human, enough I am alone and I am desperate._ ”

 _“Enough of the animal saving me, enough of the high water, enough sorrow, enough of the air and it’s ease,_ ” Evan breathed, hesitantly inching to close the distance.

The last line of the poem crescendoed in the hairsbreadth of space between them, beating in time with their frantic hearts, reverberating through bone until it rang in their ears like cymbals crashing together in a symphonic collision of unspoken desire.

_I am asking you to touch me._

Their bubble popped to the discordant shriek of the sliding door, spitting a tipsily giggling couple onto the balcony. Evan blinked rapidly, breaking the spell attempting to weave him into the fabric of Connor’s soul. Springing back with a mumbled apology, he choked on the shattered pieces of his heart and hurriedly excused himself.

“Oh! I’m so sorry,” the girl apologized mournfully to Connor as he fled, but Evan didn’t catch his reply.

Focusing on his breathing exercises, he searched the throng for Zoe while repeating his mantra. _Breathe in calm, exhale self-loathing, breathe in peace, exhale regret._

In desperation, he pushed aside the memory of blue eyes, warm as the Caribbean, lapping soothingly along the jagged coastline of his psyche. With a repressed sob, he stamped out the desire to fall into arms strong enough to support him when things became too heavy to shoulder alone. With shaking hands, he slammed the door on the overwhelming urge to seal his mouth over petal-colored lips and finally learn their taste.

It was better this way.

Tossing a strained smile to his friends as he zig-zagged through the crowd, he located Zoe and carefully pulled her aside.

“Hey, I’m gonna head home and get some sleep before my flight tomorrow. Tell Connor I took an Uber. I don’t want to cut his time short.”

Looking at him in concern, she squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Are you alright? Did something happen? You’re shaking like a leaf.”

“I’m just tired,” he said, giving her a small smile. “Thank you so much for this, Zoe. I’m gonna miss the hell out of you. Keep Jared out of trouble for me, okay? And check on Connor. You know he doesn't do well alone.”

“I will,” she said, struggling to keep her voice even. “Enjoy yourself over there, Evan. It’s not all work, y’know. Promise to make friends and have fun, too.”

Hugging her tightly, he dropped a kiss to her crown and rasped, “I promise. I’ll be home soon.”

“You better,” she whispered, briskly wiping her eyes to save her mascara when she pulled out of the embrace. “I love you, Evan. You’re like a second brother to me and I need both of you in my life, which means you can’t stay halfway around the world forever.”

Chuckling softly, he headed for the door. “Love you, too, Zo. I promise I won’t stay. Bye.”

His throat tightened as twin tears left tracks through the makeup she valiantly maintained all night. With her arms crossed over her chest and lips parted, she looked a half-second from calling him away from the cliff that would change his life. But Connor’s advice pumped through his blood, fortifying his resolve to step into the hallway and shut the door with a decisive click.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the chapters start to sound more like my usual style and get lengthy, which is why I separated them into chapters instead of doing a single one-shot. All aboard the idiot train! Leave kudos or comments if you are enjoying the story so far! 
> 
> [The End Of Poetry](https://sites.utexas.edu/humanitiesinstitute/2020/05/08/ada-limons-the-end-of-poetry/) by Ada Límon


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

Fidgeting in the awkward silence, Evan rubbed his sweaty palms across his jeans, glancing out the passenger window to avoid meeting Connor’s eye. From his periphery, he noted the man’s tense posture and white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel, but his curtain of hair obscured his face.

Even in the early morning, the airport was bustling and Evan was grateful he arrived four hours before his flight. The extra time would allow him to get through the inevitably slow security. Connor veered into the parking garage, taking the first available space on the third level, and turned off the car. Evan bit his lip in anxious confusion, having fully expected Connor to drop him off and leave him to cart his bags inside alone.

Risking a glance at the man beside him, Evan swallowed loudly in the deafening quiet. He waited for Connor’s wrath, to berate him for sending mixed signals last night, for running away instead of dealing with his emotions like a goddamn adult.

Huffing sharply with a minute shake of his head, Connor peered at him through his curls. “C’mon, I’ll help with your luggage,” he said.

Ice wrapped around Evan’s heart to hear the listlessness in his usually rich tone. His mouth turned sour as guilt clawed at his ribcage, rattling the bars as it screamed and wailed in unspeakable grief.

Nodding curtly, he woodenly followed him out of the car. Taking his carry-on backpack, Evan reached for one of his suitcases, but Connor waved him away. Pulling out the two bags, he shut the trunk and jerked his head for Evan to lead the way.

The distance between them grew cavernous; a yawning void of emptiness separating them from one another. Foreign and unsettling, it rubbed him the wrong way, like brushing velvet backward along his skin. Gritting his teeth, Evan fought off the nausea churning in his gut and picked up his pace. The sooner he checked his luggage, the sooner he could literally run away from the mess he created.

They rode the elevator to the main level and entered the terminal without a word. Unzipping a side pouch of his backpack, Evan pulled out his passport and phone as he beelined for the Lufthansa counter. Smiling politely to the blonde woman, he pulled up his confirmation email with the QR Code for his tickets. She chatted breezily as they weighed his suitcases, marking them with stickers detailing their route, and printed his boarding pass.

“Enjoy your flight, Mr. Hansen,” she chirped pleasantly, unfazed by his clipped nod and muttered word of thanks.

Connor snorted faintly as they moved away from the counter, and Evan’s lips twitched in response. It was the first sign of normalcy between them since the party, and it eased the weight in his chest.

“God, adding ‘Mister’ sure as fuck ages you, doesn’t it?” Connor asked, wrinkling his nose in distaste. “Gross. I never want to hear anyone call me ‘Mr. Murphy.’ I’d have an aneurysm on the spot.”

Coughing into his hand to disguise his laughter, Evan said, “Good thing you took the librarian route instead of a professorship then, isn’t it?”

Sparkling eyes flicked to him, a lopsided grin steadily growing on Connor’s face which Evan easily returned. His happiness was short-lived though as they quickly reached the security barrier.

The blue stripe painted on the floor reminded him of a race ribbon, but this was not a finish line he wanted to cross. If winning meant leaving Connor, he wasn’t sure he could. In eight short months, they’d come to rely on one another; lifting each other up on bad days or keeping one another company late into the night over mugs of scalding tea when nightmares ripped them from their beds. The sudden realization that he would have to say goodbye to the person he no longer knew how to be without filled him with dread.

“You’ll regret not going,” Connor murmured, reading his mind as he scuffed his shoe along the edge of damnable blue. It was always that color that did him in, wasn’t it?

Closing his eyes in defeat, Evan exhaled raggedly. “I know,” he whispered. “That doesn’t mean I have to like what it means.” The man next to him shuffled closer, the heat from his body radiating into Evan, unwinding the tension coiled in his shoulders.

“What does it mean to you?” Connor asked quietly.

Facing him with difficulty, he hoarsely replied, “Leaving everything I care about.”

God, he hoped Connor could read between the lines because he absolutely couldn’t bare his soul in the airport the day he was leaving the country without having a breakdown.

Before Connor responded, Evan chuckled bitterly, staring at the blank wall behind him. “I won’t even be able to stay in touch the way I’d like because of my damn phone plan.”

A furious blush lit up Connor’s fair skin as he shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels.

“Um, about that.” Evan arched a questioning brow at his friend as Connor’s features pinched in chagrin.

“Sooo, Jared and I _may_ have hacked your computer to get access to your phone info. And I _may_ have called your carrier pretending to be you and upgraded you to the unlimited everything plan, which _conveniently_ includes international talk and text. And I _definitely_ put my credit card on file to cover the monthly payments,” he spit in a rush.

Evan’s jaw dropped as the wheels in his brain sluggishly processed the information dumped in his lap. Jared and Connor conspired to ensure he could stay in contact with everyone?

It should piss him off since it was technically illegal and done without his permission, but it was impossible to be angry. Not when it was the most amazing gesture of selflessness bestowed on him in the history of his twenty-four years.

His friends cared enough to guarantee he felt secure, providing him a tether to stay grounded so he wouldn’t drift away during his separation. There might be a literal ocean between them, but at least it wouldn’t feel that way.

 _Connor_ did it for him because it sure as hell hadn’t been Jared’s idea. He knew his oldest friend well enough to know that.

Grateful tears stung Evan’s eyes as words he wanted to say for months hovered on his tongue, but he forced them down. Now wasn’t the time for a declaration, but Connor needed to know how much this meant to him. Yanking him into a bone-crushing hug, Connor returned the embrace with a startled laugh.

“Thank you so much,” Evan whispered. “I can’t believe you did that for me. You’re amazing, Connor.”

Squeezing tightly, Connor sighed in relief against his neck. “Of course. I’d do anything for you, Evan.” A thrill of excitement reverberated through Evan at the simple statement, rocking him to his core. He fucking _mattered_ to someone. He mattered to Connor Murphy.

Clearing his throat, Connor mumbled, “Besides, it wasn’t entirely altruistic. If you think I’m gonna go six months without talking to my best friend every day, you’re fucking insane.”

Chuckling wetly against his shoulder, he said, “I’m so fucking glad I get to talk to mine every day, too.”

Evan sniffled, unintentionally flooding his nose with the scent of Connor’s spiced body wash and expensive macadamia nut shampoo. He took an extra moment to memorize it and imbue every memory of Connor with his unique fragrance to aid his inevitable battles of homesickness while overseas.

Pulling back reluctantly, Evan wiped his face and shared a bright smile with Connor. Glancing at the security line across the room, he readjusted his bag with a resigned sigh.

“Well, I guess this is where I say goodbye.”

Nodding slowly, Connor tucked a loose curl behind his ear, his eyes flicking to the ground. “Yeah, guess so,” he mumbled.

Gathering his fleeting courage, Evan freed the stanza spinning like a broken record in his brain. _“From you have I been absent in the spring, when proud-pied April, dressed in all his trim, hath put a spirit of youth in everything.”_

Connor’s intense gaze shot to his when he replied, _“Yet seem’d it winter still, and, you away, as with your shadow I with these did play.”_

Swallowing the pitiful whine trapped in his throat, Evan ignored the compulsion to kiss him because the risk of never letting go and missing his flight was too high. Opting for a nod and a weak smile, he turned to leave, hoping he could maintain his composure despite the agonizing sting behind his ribs.

Slender fingers wrapped lighting fast around his wrist, and Evan couldn’t suppress the shiver that racked his body at the touch.

“Do you have a jacket?” Connor asked as he gingerly spun him around.

“My winter coats are in my checked luggage,” he replied. Without hesitation, Connor shrugged out of the signature hoodie he wore to cover his scars and tied it around his waist. Such a deceptively simple action, yet it held layers of meaning so deep Evan couldn’t process it all. Maybe during his seven-hour flight or his layover at Heathrow, but right now his brain was incapable of stringing together a coherent thought beyond a single word.

_ConnorConnorConnor._

“Flights are always cold,” Connor murmured, mindlessly rubbing the ribbed edge of a sleeve. “International ones, especially. I have plenty at home and you need it more than I do.”

“Thank you,” Evan croaked around the tightening of his vocal cords.

Ducking his head, Connor’s lips quirked in the ghost of a smile. “You’re welcome.” Taking a step back, he shoved his hands in his pockets and peeked at the security line. “You better go so you have time to reach your gate.”

“I’ll text you when I land in London,” Evan promised, digging his nails into his palms to stop from reaching for the man in front of him.

Nodding quickly, Connor said, “Please.”

Grimacing slightly, he swayed forward a half-step and Evan’s resolve wavered on razor wire with the motion. “Hamburg, too. I don’t care how late it is,” he demanded.

Walking backward, Evan slid over the line separating flight check-in from security with a brusque nod, his gaze never straying from Connor’s until he joined the queue. Evan waved sadly, forcing Connor to free a hand to return the gesture. As he meandered to the front of the TSA checkpoint, he felt the weight of abyssal eyes cataloging his every move and those around him, protecting even from afar. Once through the metal detector, Evan scrambled to the side where the opposite end of the terminal was just visible, but Connor was nowhere to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sonnet 98](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/50503/sonnet-98-from-you-have-i-been-absent-in-the-spring) by William Shakespeare


	5. Chapter 5

**5**

Rubbing his eyes, Evan leaned against the flimsy lumbar support on the lab stools. He was the only researcher who opted out of going to the Christmas markets. If his friends in Rochester knew how little he interacted with his fellows they’d be disappointed, but it took too much out of him.

The first month in Germany had been a daily test of his coping mechanisms to prevent a sensory overload or trigger a panic attack. The constant pressure to keep a conversation going after a long day of work without becoming distracted by the rapid-fire German of the locals set his teeth on edge.

His colleagues were too polite to force him into anything, most of them assuming he was simply introverted. Evan planned to keep it that way. Spending time outside the lab allowed too many opportunities for his mask to slip and reveal more than he wished. No, he preferred to head to the university paid accommodations he shared with two of the American researchers when his work was done.

Thankfully, the apartment would be empty tonight and he planned to take advantage of the privacy with a long shower and a Zoom call with his friends. Rarely were any of them able to carry on personal conversations with friends and family back home without accidentally eavesdropping on each other.

As he shut down the lab machinery and switched off the lights, Evan huffed into his coat irritably. He could only hope neither of his roommates brought company home. Sharing living quarters with a couple of hot-blooded single men was awkward, to say the least. The team members in long-distance relationships scheduled “private” calls home with their roomies to avoid walking in on one another in compromising positions. Evan wished his roommates were so considerate as he yanked a beanie over his head and stepped into the snow.

Oh, well. They would be leaving Hamburg soon. He just had to tough it out a little longer and then he’d be stateside again.

Twenty minutes later, Evan toed off his boots in the entryway, sighing happily to find the apartment still vacant as he hung up his winter wear. Checking his watch, he chose to shower first and thaw out before reheating last night’s chicken schnitzel. Turning up the heat on his room’s radiator, he grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom.

Groaning in satisfaction under the warm spray, he rushed through a shower to avoid using all the hot water and pissing off his housemates. Toweling off swiftly, Evan tugged on his flannel pajama bottoms and long sleeved shirt before bee-lining to the kitchen. He couldn’t remember if he ate breakfast, but he skipped lunch and was famished.

In mere moments, Evan was curled in a corner of the couch with his dinner, basking in the blissful silence as he ate. Scraping his plate clean, he hummed pleasantly around the last bite. Rinsing it off in the sink, he placed it in the dishwasher and headed to his room.

Digging his phone out of his jeans, Evan double checked his alarm as he plugged it in to charge. He had six hours until his scheduled Zoom call with Zoe and Jared, which gave him time to get some sleep so he wouldn’t be a zombie. The time difference took some getting used to for everyone, but eventually, they worked out a system. Short face time chats took place occasionally on weekdays, but weekends allowed everyone to stay up late for long conversations and still be rested.

Of course, he texted Connor 24/7 and frequently called him during his lunch breaks before his friend’s shifts at the library. But for whatever reason, neither of them informed Zoe and Jared of their constant chatter, so the couple always invited Connor to join him when they Zoomed Evan. They probably assumed it was the only time the two spoke.

Evan reminded himself that their daily conversations hadn’t changed - they still talked about the same stupid bullshit. Nothing they did or said was inherently romantic, no matter how much he wished it were otherwise. But sometimes he swore there was a new warmth in Connor’s gaze when they face-timed, an affectionate lilt in his tone when they spoke, more subtle nuance in his texts.

Though, he was probably delusional. Whatever chance he’d had with his gorgeous best friend disappeared when he failed to make a move months ago. Connor was too good-looking and suave to stay single in Rochester’s vibrant dating scene.

Falling into his bed with a frustrated growl, he pressed his palms to his eyes as regret bubbled in his chest, souring his taste buds. Fuck, he should have kissed Connor the night of the party or at the airport.

No, screw that. Evan should’ve told him months ago how he felt whole when they were together. Told him in no uncertain terms that without Connor he stumbled blindly through life, some days questioning why he even bothered.

Too late now.

His only saving grace was the knowledge that their friendship was intact. He’d still have that when he returned, which was better than nothing at all.

Sighing sadly, Evan flicked off the light and crawled under the covers. He needed to sleep so his friends wouldn’t notice anything wrong. Even through a monitor the Murphy’s could read him like a damn book, and with his nerves as frazzled as they were, he’d crack under pressure and spill his secrets like coffee staining the thin pages binding him together. Rest would stabilize him.

Burrowing under the covers, he chose a soothing playlist, mindful to keep the volume low so it wouldn’t disturb his roommates whenever they came back, and sank quickly into the nothingness sleep offered.

Five and half hours later, Evan jerked across the mattress to silence the alarm, dragging him into consciousness once more. Rubbing the grit from his eyes, he tried to erase the flashes of dark hair and dimples that brought with them the incorporeal scent of spice and shampoo. God, he needed to get a fucking grip.

Rolling out of bed, he flicked on the electric kettle he kept in his room for late night cups of tea. By the time his drink was ready, he had his laptop set up and earbuds plugged in. Settling into the bed with his mug, he anxiously counted down to their scheduled call. Anticipation burned hot in his gut like it always did as he waited to see and hear from the people he cared about most in the world.

The notification finally popped up, and he instantly clicked to join the chat. Evan couldn’t contain his megawatt smile as Zoe and Jared’s faces filled his screen.

“Oh my God!” Zoe screeched. “Evan, I’ve missed your face!” A bark of laughter escaped him, but he muffled it behind his hand before he woke his housemates. Wincing regretfully, she made to speak, but Evan waved away her incoming apology.

“Don’t worry about it, Zo. It’s fine,” he assured her. “It’s great to see you, too. Hey Jared, you’re looking good.”

Jared threw his arms wide in a cocky gesture. “Son, I always look this good.” Zoe smacked his chest, rolling her eyes fondly, and Evan snickered at their familiar antics. His eyes darted furiously across the screen, scanning the edges for any sign of the person he most wanted to see.

Even with his excitement dampened, he somehow kept his tone light when he asked, “Where’s Connor?”

“Oh. He said he’d call you later. Didn’t he tell you?” Zoe questioned with a slight frown.

Evan’s stomach dropped through his fifth-story building, landing with a sickening thud in the hard packed snowdrifts outside. Of course, Connor wasn’t obligated to be present for every chat, but this was the first time he wasn't in attendance. He was probably sick of him but was too nice to tell him through text, so he was distancing himself hoping Evan took the hint.

Oh, God, what if he had a date? Likely with someone tall, dark, and handsome, or a leggy blonde with an hourglass figure. It was too much to hope that Connor could ever reciprocate his feelings, and even if he had once upon a time, Evan was on another continent. He reminded himself Connor wasn’t celibate. He was a grown man, free to date and fool around as he pleased. Evan had no claim on him and therefore, no reason to be upset by his absence.

Jared noticed his mood shift and leaned closer to the monitor, brown eyes flashing under furrowed brows. “Evan,” he coaxed gently while Evan blinked uncomprehendingly at his friend. “He’s at home, dude.”

Blushing, he hid behind his mug and gulped the scalding tea, carefully schooling his pained wince. “Right, yeah. I mean, obviously. That’s cool.” His flush deepened when he caught the quick glance the couple shared they didn’t intend for him to see.

_Fuck. I really need to stop being so goddamn pathetic._

“So, what’s new with you guys?” he asked casually. It was Zoe’s turn to blush and Evan arched an eyebrow, tilting his head to Jared curiously. Jared’s eyes widened in horror and he waved his hands frantically in response to Evan’s judgmental expression.

“God, no, Evan! Don’t look at me like that, for all that’s holy! You know my mom would fucking kill me.”

Zoe looked between the two men before bursting into a fit of laughter in understanding. Pulling her wine glass into view, she wiped the tears from her eyes with a smile. “Oh, no! I’m not pregnant.” Evan heaved a grateful breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“But we do have news,” she giggled. Bringing her left hand into view of the camera, the massive diamond sitting on her ring finger nearly blinded him.

“Holy. Shit.”

Hastily setting aside his tea, Evan tugged his laptop closer to examine the solitaire. “Jesus, Jared. How do you expect your _fiance_ to wear that every day? I mean, Zoe, carting that around has got to be a workout. It must have its own gravitational pull,” he teased. Zoe squealed and Jared draped an arm around her shoulders, an indulgent smile quirking his lips.

“Seriously, guys, I’m so excited for you! That’s awesome. Do you have a date yet?”

Evan nodded along and asked all the right questions during their conversation, but he couldn’t shake the sting of jealousy. He wanted what they had. Someone who thought he was worth spending time with outside of the extremely rare fling - chosen as someone’s person. He’d never had an actual relationship, but he craved inside jokes and pillow talk and lunch dates and lazy Sundays tangled in bed.

A text flashed across his phone, and his heart leapt into his throat. Waving his phone at his friends, he ignored Jared’s smug expression and Zoe’s unsuccessful attempt to hide her grin behind her wine. Sliding it open, he ducked his head slightly when he read the message.

_C: You still talking to Zo and Jared?_

_E: Yeah_

_C: Sooo_

Evan smirked at Connor’s obvious lack of enthusiasm with the news.

_E: You were right. You’re never getting rid of him now_

_C: Fuuuuuck, dude. Like wtf?! Don’t get me wrong, if Zoe is happy, then I’m happy for her, but JFC of all the ppl she could have fallen for it had to be fucking Kleinman_

He chuckled as Connor’s voice echoed in his head from all the times they’d had this discussion in the past.

_E: You’re just jealous Jared chose Zoe over you_

_C: LMFAO! OH MY GOD, NO!_

_C: It’s a good thing I know ur kidding or I might throw up_

_E: Awww. Jared not your type?_

Staring at the words he thoughtlessly sent into the ether, Evan’s stomach rolled uneasily. Shit. Why the hell did he ask that? He wasn’t sure he wanted an answer, but the bubbles on his screen meant he was about to get one.

_C: Ugh, fuck no! I mean, I appreciate a smart mouthed sense of humor like most ppl, but I don’t want to spend time with a total jackass. Idk, maybe he’s different with Zo, but the Jared I know is a dick_

_E: You won’t hear any arguments from me about that lol_

Smiling in relief to be spared a rundown of what type of people piqued Connor’s interest, Evan masterfully changed the subject.

_E: Can we talk about the ring, though?_

_C: DUDE_

_E: IT’S A PLANET_

_C: Maybe he’s compensating for something_

Forgetting about the late hour or his other conversation, Evan fell back among his pillows with a bray of laughter. Clapping a hand over his mouth, he giggled helplessly for a few moments until his phone vibrated in his hand.

_C: Jesus, Evan, breathe! Zo sent me a clip of you losing ur shit. Which is cute as hell, but don’t forget ur brain needs oxygen to function_

Covering his face with a pillow in mortification, he sucked in a few practiced breaths, freezing suddenly when Connor’s message replayed through his head. Tossing the pillow, he snatched his phone and ignored Jared’s questions as he re-read the words.

_Cute as hell._

It was there in black and white. He couldn’t refute the existence of those words or deny Connor directed them at him. Inhaling sharply, he turned to Zoe and Jared with wide eyes.

“I, uh, think I need to -”

“Of course,” Zoe cut him off, jabbing Jared none too gently with her elbow when he opened his mouth. “We’ll talk more later, Evan.”

“Thanks,” he said. “And, um, congrats again, guys. You’re good together and I know you’ll make each other happy.” Jared lowered his head, surprising Evan with the hint of pink coloring the top of his ears.

“Thank you, Evan. That means a lot to both of us,” Zoe said, taking Jared’s hand in hers.

Glancing at Evan through the monitor, Jared smiled nervously. “I know I’m terrible at emotional shit, but Zoe’s right. It… means a lot to know we have your support. If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t have met and -” He paused for a lengthy exhale, giving Evan a second to appreciate this rare bonding moment. “I never thanked you for that, so I’m saying it now. Thanks for introducing us, Evan.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, stunned by Jared’s gratitude.

Wiping her eyes with a soft laugh, Zoe interjected, “We’ll let you go. We love you! Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” he said, waving as the screen went black. Closing his laptop, Evan set it aside and burrowed under the covers. Breathing deeply to steady his shaky hands, he finally responded to Connor’s earlier message.

_E: Sorry. I was saying bye to the others. But no, that comment was too good and it’s been too long since I’ve laughed that hard_

_C: It’s more than fine. It's good to know I can still crack you up so far away_

_E: You always do_

Biting his lip, he slowly tapped a second message without waiting for Connor to redirect the conversation.

_E: Is it ok if I call you?_

Within seconds Evan’s phone vibrated in his hand and Connor’s softly smiling face filled the screen. Hope flared like a beacon in his chest, suffusing him with a giddy warmth. He tapped the green button to accept the call before he even cataloged what he would say.

“Connor,” he said, breathy and far too revealing.

“Evan,” came the husky reply, igniting his cheeks as Connor’s sultry timbre caressed his name like something straight out of his fantasies.

Clearing his throat, Evan said, “I’ll be home soon.” Connor hummed in the affirmative, coughing faintly in the background, and Evan wondered if he was blushing, as well.

“Only six weeks, right?” he asked. Evan nodded until he remembered Connor couldn’t see him, but the extra beat of silence must have been too much for him. “Hold up. You’re not thinking of staying longer in Germany, are you? Because I swear to God, I have opinions on that.”

The idea of additional time apart from Connor made him nauseous, and he shook his head fervently. “No, absolutely not,” Evan insisted.

“Thank God,” he sighed in relief. The rustle of fabric bled through the line, and Evan imagined Connor settling in his bed. “So, what’s up? Something is obviously bothering you. You’re across a goddamn ocean and I can practically hear your anxiety.”

Scoffing indignantly, he nibbled his lip. “Am I so transparent?”

“Not to everyone,” Connor whispered, and Evan shuddered involuntarily. This man would be the death of him. “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to. I just thought you might feel better if you did,” he offered kindly.

Huffing in embarrassment, Evan wondered how to explain the messily conflicting emotions that bubbled within him anytime he spoke to Connor. Or the aching hollow in the pit of his stomach whenever he reminded himself they weren’t together. They were more than friends, but not officially an item either, and the uncertainty of where they stood was suffocating.

Picking at a loose thread on the comforter, he murmured, “It’s ridiculous, honestly, but… I don’t know. Being halfway across the world combined with Jared and Zo’s news has me wondering what the accurate definition of ‘home’ is.”

“First, that’s not ridiculous. It’s a valid question. Second, you need an opinion before you can compare it to anything. So, what do you think it is?” Connor asked.

He appreciated that Connor didn’t make him feel like an idiot whenever they talked, listening to Evan’s concerns and gently helping him work through his anxiety. Closing his eyes, he thought about the question, trying to nail what specifically bothered him about it.

"Home" had always been such a vague concept in his life, like an illusion or a mirage, tantalizingly beyond his reach. He knew at the core it equaled belonging and safety, comfort, and acceptance, but he didn’t have firsthand experience with it. Yet Jared miraculously found it in Zoe, turning the mundane of life into something beautiful when shared between the two of them.

“I’m… not sure,” Evan mused thoughtfully. “Is it the city you grew up in? Is it where your family lives? Is it wherever you are? For Jared and Zo, it’s a person. Are they all right or all wrong?”

He sighed heavily before continuing. “So much of my life I’ve felt adrift, y’know? Growing up, I didn’t feel secure or that I even had a home to speak of. I had a house, sure, but my mom was never there and my dad left when I was little. So it was just me - a lost, lonely, terrified kid in an empty house.”

“I’m sorry you went through that alone. It wasn’t fair,” Connor replied.

Snorting dismissively, Evan angrily brushed aside the saltwater streaming down his cheeks, sticking him to his screen. “No, I’m the one that’s sorry. I didn’t mean to get morose.”

He could almost feel Connor’s long-suffering eye roll. “Don’t apologize for having complicated feelings about shit. You know I won’t judge you for them. Besides, you know my sob story and it’s worse than yours. Neither of our lives has been a walk in the park, but that doesn’t mean you can’t build your own definition of home as an adult.”

“Well,” Evan dryly replied, “I can sum mine up as: _Here's the house with childhood whittled down to a single red trip wire. Don't worry. Just call it horizon and you'll never reach it._ ”

Connor sighed and Evan swore it was his name floating along the radio waves. “ _Yes, here's a room so warm & blood-close, I swear, you will wake — & mistake these walls for skin._”

Evan willed his lungs to expand as Connor’s words ripped the air from them, croaking in the charged atmosphere. “Is that your definition of home?”

“It is now,” Connor murmured.

His chest simultaneously felt too big and too small to contain the explosive heat threatening to scorch the earth until every obstacle and body of water separating them burned to ash. Evan didn’t have to see Connor’s face to know his expression was focused and so goddamn honest — blue eyes soft and full mouth sloping upwards on the left in a tender approximation of a smile.

Licking his parched lips as he smoldered, Evan whispered, “I’m really glad you have that security now. A safe place to land.”

“Me, too,” Connor rasped. “I hope… I hope you know you have that, too.”

Clutching the sheets with his free hand, Evan swallowed hard around the embers singeing his throat. “I _do_ know that,” he affirmed. Connor exhaled raggedly on the other end, clearly overwhelmed by the late night confessions, too. They laid in contemplative silence for a few minutes, content to listen to each other breathe as they processed the words shared in the dark, and the weight of things left unsaid.

Pressing his face closer to the phone in the quiet, Evan idly wondered what it would be like to share a bed with Connor. To map his creamy skin with his hands and card his fingers through his luxurious hair, lost in sapphire depths reflecting silver in the moonlight mere inches from him.

He heard Connor’s breaths slowly even out, and his stomach flipped at the intimacy. “You should get some sleep,” Evan murmured, careful to avoid startling him into consciousness.

“Mmm, so should you,” Connor mumbled, his syrupy voice purring in Evan’s ear, rocking a shiver along his spine. “Stay on the phone with me?”

It was a good thing he was already laying down or his weak knees would have buckled and sent him unceremoniously to the ground. He didn’t want to explain to any of his roommates he fainted because the man he was fucking gone for asked him to fall asleep on the phone with him, half-fulfilling his secret desires.

“Yes,” Evan whispered.

Humming contentedly, Connor shifted slightly across the Atlantic, and Evan’s heart clenched as he imagined him curling under the sheets the way he snuggled under a blanket when they had movie marathons.

“G’night, Evan,” he sighed, his voice warmer and closer than before.

“Good night, Connor.”

Within moments, the steady rush of air signaled Connor’s descent into sleep. Plugging his phone in to guarantee it didn’t die, Evan tucked the device under his cheek, bringing him as near as possible while on another continent. Once situated his eyelids fluttered shut of their own accord, his normally chaotic brain lulled into dreams by the comfort of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Someday I’ll Love Ocean Vuong](https://www.poetryinvoice.com/poems/someday-ill-love-ocean-vuong) by Ocean Vuong


	6. Chapter 6

**+1**

Things were weird. Decidedly off-kilter from the moment he stepped off the plane a month ago. He thought they would talk about their pseudo-confessions shared while he was gone, but they hadn’t yet. It didn’t help that Evan was swamped with the new semester as the deadline of his thesis loomed ominously leaving him with precious little free time.

Leaning in his desk chair with a groan, Evan rubbed a hand over his face. Maybe Connor regretted the things he said, or Evan misconstrued the context of their conversations. His heart stuttered when he recalled the eve of his departure: huddled close on the balcony, caught in a riptide of blue, begging to share oxygen to keep from drowning.

But that had been seven months ago.

A lot can change in half a year, and feelings were fickle. They ebbed and flowed, rarely constant, and distance didn’t always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it created chasms too wide to cross safely.

The world shifted violently under his feet and he gasped in the silence of his room, thankful no one was home to hear him toe the line of a panic attack. He couldn’t have Connor see him like this right now, but as his vision darkened, he knew he needed a stabilizer. With trembling hands, he scrolled through his short contact list and dialed Jared.

It only rang twice before he answered. “Hey man, it’s been a hot minute. How are ya?”

Inhaling sharply, Evan croaked, “Could be better.” Jared picked up on his escalating anxiety immediately.

“Evan? Are you okay?” Papers rustled in the background and Zoe’s concerned murmur echoed through the line. “Breathe like we used to. Remember? In for eight, hold for five, out for seven, repeat. Can you do that with me?”

“Yeah,” he bit out, synching his breaths to Jared’s counting until the panic receded, bringing his vision into focus. Stumbling out of his chair, he flopped onto his bed, bouncing slightly on the mattress.

“Thanks,” he whispered.

“Jesus,” Jared hissed, his usual indifference obviously rattled. “What set you off? You haven’t called me for one of those in, damn, a year?”

Waving his hand airily, Evan mumbled, “I still get them, but usually I can work through them on my own. Sometimes Connor helps.”

“So why call me?” Jared wheedled.

Groaning, Evan tossed his arm over his eyes. “Because he’s not here, Jared. And I can’t tell him he’s the reason I spiraled.”

“What did he do? I swear if he hurt you I’m gonna fucking kill him,” he growled dangerously. Evan blinked in astonishment at the sudden anger flowing from his friend, struggling to fire up his slow synapses for a response.

“No, no! He didn’t do anything. I just -” Swallowing hard, Evan continued, “I think I need to tell him. Things have been… awkward since I got back and I can’t stand it.”

Jared sighed in exasperation, and Evan solemnly agreed. He knew he was pathetic; this whole situation was his fault. If he’d told Connor months ago, before Germany was even on the table, they wouldn’t be in this mess.

“About time, if you ask me. Is that all you’re worried about?” his friend grumbled. Evan raked a hand aggressively through his hair with a hiss. “I can’t help you, if you won’t talk to me, damn it,” Jared demanded impatiently.

“I know, I know,” Evan replied, voice rough as his insecurities reared their head. “I - fucking hell. Can I stay with you?”

It was uncomfortably quiet after the impromptu question and Evan hurried to drown out the blood thundering in his ears with nervous rambling. “I mean, just until I find a place, of course. It wouldn’t be permanent. I don’t want to encroach on you and Zoe. But yeah, y’know, in case -”

“Dude, he’s not gonna fucking kick you out,” Jared interrupted in disbelief.

“You don’t know that,” Evan snapped.

Clicking his tongue in aggravation, he retorted, “Yeah, pretty sure I do, but whatever.”

Counting backward from thirty, Evan unwound his fingers from their death grip on the bedding and asked evenly, “Yes or no, Jared? Can I stay with you guys for a bit?”

“Jesus fucking -” he huffed. “Yes. What the fuck do you think? I’m an ass, not a monster. You always have a place here, Evan. You’re family, goddamn it.”

Warmth bloomed in his chest, spreading steadily through his limbs, pushing back the after-panic numbness. It was the first time Jared ever referred to him as family without attaching “friends” to it like an insult. Evan didn’t have siblings, but he had the man who grew up with him, yet didn’t _outgrow_ him. Imperfect though he was, Jared Kleinman was the closest thing to a brother he had, and he was never more grateful for him than right now.

“Thanks, Jare,” he said. The decades-old nickname encased them in the sepia-toned nostalgia of two boys with gap-toothed smiles, sticky with marshmallow goo and melted chocolate while they shared wild stories in a blanket fort until well past the midnight curfew of their sleepovers.

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Jared said, trying to lighten the sentimentality with an aloofness that fooled neither of them. “Let me know how things go with resident emo, okay?”

Smiling faintly, Evan replied, “I will.”

As they said their goodbyes, Evan missed the hushed click of a door closing down the hall.

* * *

Knocking his forehead against the desk in frustration, Evan snapped his laptop shut. The longer he stared at the incomplete sentences on the screen, the less they resembled words and morphed into useless scribbles.

Checking the time, he frowned at the lateness of the hour. It was past six, which meant Connor should’ve been home hours ago. They were usually chatting and making dinner at this point in the day. Grabbing his phone, he didn’t see any missed calls or texts from Connor, which immediately set him on edge.

Leaving his room, he noted Connor’s door was shut - a dead giveaway he was home. Shit, he hoped he wasn’t having a bad day. It was rare for him to come home unhappy after a shift at the library, but it happened occasionally.

Nibbling his lip, Evan hovered in the hall, unsure if he should knock or not. If he was sleeping, he didn’t want to disturb him, but he also needed to know he was alright. If Connor simply needed space, he could easily give him that once he was sure it was safe to leave him alone.

Rapping lightly on the wood, Evan heard the bed creak as Connor rolled off it. His smile faltered when Connor yanked it open and leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed.

“Can I help you?” Connor asked icily.

Evan winced internally under his withering glare and stammered helplessly. “I-I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn’t even realize you were home.”

“Obviously,” Connor snapped.

Unable to maintain eye contact, Evan stepped back to give him air. “I was going to make dinner unless you wanted takeout…”

He trailed off uncertainly, chancing a glance at his roommate, noting the odd mix of frustration and disappointment that flitted across his features before disappearing. Sighing heavily, Connor hung his head and unfolded himself from his defensive position.

“No, I’ll cook. I need to do something with all this restless energy, anyway.”

Following him obediently to the kitchen, Evan’s stomach knotted as he watched Connor toss ingredients on the counter.

“Is… everything okay?”

Connor fixed him with a blank stare. “Peachy.”

Nodding curtly, Evan tried not to let the sting of rejection take root. This was merely a bad day, and he reminded himself not to take it personally. Crossing into the kitchen, Evan pulled out a bottle of red wine from the fridge, arching his brow questioningly to Connor. Peeking at him through his hair, Connor clenched his jaw in consideration before jerking his chin to the drawer where the corkscrew lived. He bobbed his head once in thanks when Evan slid him a full glass. Taking his drink to the bar, Evan quietly observed as Connor chopped and diced and seasoned, finally lowering the heat on the burner so the flavors of the stew could marry fully.

Picking up his glass, Connor sipped it slowly with an appreciative hum. Checking the label on the bottle, his lips quirked faintly.

“Trust Zoe to remember one of my favorites,” he said, rubbing a thumb across the green and pink label. “Mom and Dad used to host a shit ton of parties growing up. Networking, they claimed, but it always devolved into a bunch of pompous rich people trying to out-drink each other.”

Evan tilted his head with a smile and Connor chuffed a quiet laugh at the invitation to talk if he wished. “Anyway, we’d raid the bar when they were too shit-faced to notice us. This brand was always a favorite of mine. Their merlot, especially. I honestly thought she forgot about it, but it’s nice to be wrong.”

“Hmm, it is great,” Evan agreed, swirling the claret before sipping. Clearing his throat, he murmured, “She loves you, y’know.”

Rolling his shoulders self-consciously, Connor studied his wine. “Maybe. Pretty sure she loves you just as much, if not more.”

“No,” Evan chuckled. “There is no contest between you and me. You win every time.”

“Do I?” he rumbled darkly, eyes still downcast.

Furrowing his brow, Evan insisted, “Yes, you do.”

Pursing his lips, Connor took a long sip before setting the glass aside on the counter and pinned him with an intense glower. “If I win every time, Evan, tell me why you’re moving in with my sister and Kleinman?”

Evan’s lungs constricted painfully, forcing a ragged gust of air through his half-parted lips. Gripping the edge of the bar desperately, he reminded himself to breathe as the world once again shifted, leaving him balanced precariously on the edge of reason and insanity.

He scrambled to recall his conversation with Jared, realizing with horror nothing he said would give Connor context for _why_ he asked to move. Which meant he only heard Evan say he needed to leave, upsetting him enough that he locked himself in his room all day.

Once again, he was responsible for a rift between them. He’d fucked up his chances for sure this time.

Strong hands pulled him away from the mental precipice, carefully tucking him into a steady embrace, grounding him with the warm press of skin against his cheek. Gasping loudly, Evan clung to the soft fabric under his hands, his chaotic synapses soothed by the gentle voice crooning in his ear. He regained his senses by degrees, groggily registering his shattered sobs before he fully documented the words spewing from his mouth.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I ruined everything.”

“Shh, Evan. No, you didn’t,” Connor said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. If you’re not happy here, I won’t make you stay.”

Twisting the t-shirt in his hands, Evan shook his head vehemently. “No, you don’t understand,” he choked.

Pulling back, Connor brushed away his tears with a frown. “I understand that I hurt you and triggered a panic attack. You have every reason to want to leave.”

“Oh my God, Connor,” Evan grit through clenched teeth. “I don’t _want_ to leave, okay? I asked Jared if I could move in _only_ if things didn’t go well after I talked to you.”

Blinking in confusion, Connor said, “Why would you need to move in with them after talking to me?”

Dropping his head onto Connor’s shoulder, Evan heaved a sigh. “We should both sit for this, and this barstool is not comfortable. Let’s go to the couch.”

Arching a curious brow, Connor released him to lower dinner to a simmer while Evan splashed water on his face in the bathroom. Toweling off, Evan cataloged his blotchy features and puffy eyes with a weary sigh. This wasn’t how he planned on having this conversation, but it was now or never.

Sending up a brief prayer that everything would work out in his favor, he gathered his courage and joined Connor in the living room. Shifting awkwardly on the couch, Evan half-turned to his friend and said, “I have something to tell you.”

“Okay,” Connor whispered nervously.

Wringing his hands, Evan willed away the second round of tears threatening to make an appearance. “I should have said this months ago before I left for Germany, but I was terrified. I still am,” he admitted.

“Of what?”

Sucking in a shaky breath, Evan looked at him when he answered. “Of rejection.” Connor’s cheeks flushed as he gaped at him while he barreled on.

“I don’t even think there are words for how much I care about you. It’s all-consuming and half the time I don’t know if I’m drowning or burning alive when you’re around. I hate being away from you and most days you’re all I talk about. Ask Jared, it drives him crazy.” Connor huffed a weak laugh, his gaze flicking to the floor as the blush darkened and spread under his shirt collar.

“Being around you is the only time I don’t feel like a mess of a person,” Evan said. “You keep me grounded and you don’t judge me for my past. You _see_ who I am under the anxiety that most people choose to never go beyond.” Swallowing hard, Evan ducked his head, unable to maintain eye contact. “You know... I haven’t dated many people for that reason. I’ve never felt good enough for you, Connor. You’re everything I’m not: gorgeous, suave, eloquent. You can do so much better than me —”

A finger pressed firmly against his lips and he glanced up, startled, to find Connor’s eyes smoldering mere inches from his. “No,” Connor insisted hoarsely. “I will never do better than you, Evan. You are so much more than you realize, but I saw it all the day I met you. I haven’t looked away since.”

Evan’s head spun with the information. They’d known each other for over a year, and while he hadn’t heard of him seeing anyone, the lack of evidence wasn’t enough to rule it out entirely. For anyone who wasn’t Evan, casual sex was normal; Connor surely didn’t mean it the way Evan assumed.

Connor’s gaze softened, his finger leaving his mouth as his hand cupped his face. “I meant what I said. There hasn’t been anyone, not even in passing, for over a year,” he stated, once again displaying his uncanny ability to read his mind. Evan's breath stuttered as hope unfurled in his chest.

“Connor, I -”

He shook his head with a kind smile. “I wasn’t going to push, Evan. I wanted it to be mutual.” Biting his lip, Connor continued, “It seemed like it was before you left and while you were in Germany, but things shifted when you got back. I didn’t know how to interpret things anymore.”

Leaning close, Evan pressed their foreheads together and mumbled. “That was my fault. I came home and my anxiety started telling me I made it all up, that I misread cues, so I shied away.”

Rubbing their noses with a short laugh, Connor said, “We’re idiots, aren’t we?” Evan chuckled in agreement. Pulling back slightly, Connor held his gaze for a beat and thumbed his freckled cheeks.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.

“God, yes,” Evan answered.

Shaky hands landed hesitantly on his hips, carefully rearranging his position so he wouldn’t topple over. A shudder wracked through Evan as slender fingers painted distracting patterns on his skin above the waistband of his jeans. Good God, this was actually happening. Connor honestly felt the same way - he hadn’t imagined it and he miraculously managed to not ruin things during his study abroad.

His ability to think rationally evaporated as Connor leaned in, lips parting of their own accord in anticipation. Captivated by fathomless pools, Evan sank willingly under the waves, enveloped by the warm abyss at the first electric press of their lips.

His mouth opened on a gasp and Connor wasted no time licking inside like a man starved. Tangling his hands in Connor’s luscious curls, Evan matched the ferocity with his own desperation, crawling into his lap in an urgent need to be as close as humanly possible. Strong arms twined around his back to hold him in place as they shared breaths between frantic kisses, pouring months of desire and words too long unspoken into their embrace.

An eternity passed before their feverish ardor cooled to gentle caresses. Lips trailed feather-light along Evan’s jaw, dipping down his neck, finally stopping over his racing pulse point.

“Evan?” Connor murmured against his skin, sending a jolt of pure lightning thrumming through his veins.

“Yeah?” he croaked, well on his way to absolutely wrecked.

_“And if I were to say I love you and I do love you and I say it now and again and again would you say-”_

Tears sprang unbidden with the admission, further confirming Evan was not alone with the depth of his feelings. Cradling Connor’s face in his palms with a tender smile, he whispered, _“Parataxis, would you see the world revolves anew, its axis you._ There was never anyone else it could be, Connor. It was always you.”

“Thank fuck,” Connor breathed, tugging him against his chest as he sprawled on the couch. “You’re it for me, too. I can’t believe I can finally say that out loud.” He dropped a kiss to his blonde hair, and Evan hid his relieved grin against Connor’s pounding heart. They might both be idiots, but at least they were finally on the same page which was all he ever wanted.

“Well, you can tell Kleinman thanks, but no thanks,” Connor piped up, interrupting the comfortable quiet. Evan hummed pleasantly as his fingertips danced mindlessly across Connor’s lean torso, smirking in satisfaction when the man under him shivered in response.

Thinking about Jared, Evan considered all the things he needed to say to his friend. "Thank you" chief among them for his boundless patience. For his willingness to listen and help with his anxiety and for —

“Oh my God,” Evan groaned.

“What?” Connor asked as Evan sat up with a furious blush.

“My phone,” he said, grimacing slightly. “You’re still paying for my plan.”

Connor sealed his lips together to restrain his laughter, but his eyes sparkled with amusement. Evan leveled him with an unimpressed glare, cracking his tenuous composure. Laughing brightly, Connor laced their hands together and squeezed.

“Yep, sure am, and I plan to continue paying for it,” he stated.

“No, Connor, it’s too much,” Evan protested, shifting in embarrassment.

“Babe, it literally isn’t.”

He froze at the endearment, a slow burn growing into a steady flame in his gut with the casualness of the pet name. His skin quickly matched his internal temperature when he realized how _right_ it sounded.

“I don’t want you to worry about data charges and shit,” Connor reasoned. “Let me take this off your plate. You have bigger things to focus on.” Clearing his throat anxiously, Connor glanced at the back of the couch and swallowed several times in succession. Returning his gaze to Evan’s with trembling hands, he continued.

“Besides,” he said, aiming for calm and missing the mark, “your plan is up for renewal. It would be cheaper if we signed up for a family plan.”

Evan’s heart flew into his throat as he gawked at him in surprise. But the longer he considered it, the less surprising it became. They’d been building up to this from the moment they met, fawning over one another like teenagers and baring the ugly pieces of their souls they never shared with anyone outside of their therapists. While new, this was a permanent development, and taking small steps to make it official was part and parcel of a serious relationship.

His expression smoothed from shocked to delighted as he clutched Connor’s shirt to keep from floating away. If this was what peace felt like, he swore to never let go again.

“Yeah,” he agreed. His heart skipped a beat when Connor relaxed under him, blessing him with a dimpled grin.

“Yeah?” Connor parroted, running a hand lovingly through his short hair, ocean eyes alight with wonder.

“Fuck, yeah,” Evan giggled, curling against him and nuzzling his neck. “It’s pretty common among families from what I understand.”

Connor hugged him fiercely and whispered in his ear, “You are so much more than that, Evan.”

“So are you,” he replied, brushing a kiss in the hollow of his throat. “You’re my home, Connor, and I’m yours. Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [syntax](https://poets.org/poem/syntax-0) by Maureen N. McLane
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this fic! I completed & edited it in only 2 weeks, which is a rare feat for me!! In case this is the last update for the year, let me wish everyone Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year! Cross your fingers that 2021 is better for everybody. Much love! Be safe! See you next year 💖


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